When life pushes you to make the toughest decision, you realize that you are old, mature and expected to stand on your own. For twenty five years, I can barely count the number of times when I was stuck in that situation. It’s those days in your I-want-it-to-be-a-perfect-life when you have sleepless nights, sore back and find yourself staring at nowhere, only to find out you were trapped thinking vigorously.  

When I was in school, I have pictured my future as if it was in the movies. I told myself I’d get married at 25, expecting to find a secure career years ahead. Both predictions were indeed just a prophecy. My future self sees my first child at 27 while savoring the lovely home my potential husband and I worked hard for – this I have to see in the coming years. Planning your life isn’t as easy as writing your wish list or daydreaming in class. It’s more like writing your first ever essay with lots of side scribbles and erasures.

Today I realized that life is tougher than how I expected it to be. Sometimes it lifts you up until you feel like you are a princess living a happily-ever-after life. But it also comes to a point when you are so down that you can only take so much physical and emotional stress. At times I think that I have been through so many hardships that I assumed the next chapters would all be about being joyful; but I was wrong. Trials come when you least expect it, when you are armor less and the only person who can help you is yourself.

For the past days, I again was on a hot spot. It’s a dispute between what I need and what I want. It’s about being stuck or letting yourself free. It was difficult. It’s like carrying a heavy baggage over your shoulders for weeks. Faith, trust and prayers were my best friends and crying shoulders. After Holy Week, I finally made a decision and I felt the baggage landed on the ground. J

Some may not understand why I ended up with that decision. It’s a human’s instinct to judge. I don’t really care, it is me living my life not them. Life is all about what makes you happy and not what makes others happy.

We only live once and I aim to spend it living happily with no regrets. Sometimes we find ourselves stuck and almost wanting to give up, but always think that it is another challenge that God has carefully planned for you to realize the things you haven’t seen before. It’s His way of bringing you closer to your ‘happy ending’. Maybe it’s His way of saying, “Hey, I’m still up here. Don’t forget about me. Pray and come to me.” 

Don't push yourself too hard. Shed tears if you needed to and have drinks with friends if it comforts you. But make sure to have time to keep still, surrender yourself to Him and eventually, He will help you find your way.       

Love,

B.