Sometimes I miss having my personal space. Those days when I can just lay in bed and peacefully close my eyes; sit in a sofa and read a book; or just blankly stare for a few minutes.

Today, I am being touched by my children for the entire day. I am not against it. In fact, it melts my heart to see them longing for me. But there are days when I just feel like having the time all for myself - even for just a few minutes (15 minutes can be heaven to me). 

This is what happens every day: 

I have my eyes on both my kids all the time. Caleb's form of play is through throwing his toys everywhere - yes, even at me or worse at Yuri. So, I have to be the living shield of Yuri against all flying objects because Caleb is just unstoppable. Sometimes when I'm not looking, Caleb would push Yuri making him painfully distressed because he fell head first. There are times when I catch Yuri munching on pieces of cardboard from one of the flash cards. Caleb can be really into 'off limits' stuff like pens, pencils, papers, etc. which he somehow finds ways to reach from the table. 

You see, there are lots of things that could happen if I close my eyes for a quick nap while the kids are playing. If I did, one of them would end up hurting the other. Of course, every mom wants a tantrum-free environment so it's always best to prevent such circumstances. 

My point is, I get tired too. Others think that there's nothing so difficult about staying home and looking after a child. Whoever you are, you're wrong. Be my guest and take care of my children. Let's see if you'd even have a tangle-free hair at the end of the day. 

I get too tired that all I want is to sit and relax for just a little time - a time all for myself. But no, I sit in an inviting sofa and my toddler sits beside me. I lay down and my little one crawls over my face and body, worst part is when my toddler jumps on me. It isn't the most relaxing position for me so far. I could end up with broken bones. 

The 15-minute serenity is non-existent at least until my children graduate from toddlerhood. I have no other choice but to enjoy every clinging, carrying and body-hurting affection of my children. They say, this too shall pass and day will come when I'll miss every exhausting moments while taking care of my two boys. 

So, I raised the flag of a supermom and tried my very best to discipline Caleb. My husband and I had some attempts in doing the 'Stand in the Corner' scheme but we think that he's too young to understand. Today, I gave it another try. 

I had to spank his hand to scare him and to let him know how mad I am, and how bad the action he did. I don't want to hurt my kids but at some point it's a tool to raising disciplined and well-behaved human beings so I have to do it. 

He was crying the whole time and I successfully got him to stand in a specific corner. He tried to break the rule by sitting. Of course, I stuck to the rule of literally letting him stand in the corner. So far, he understands the situation. 

Now, it's time to explain why he was being punished and for how long he needs to stand there. Obviously, it won't make sense to him when I said 'You will stand there until Mommy says so!', so I set my phone in alarm for 3 minutes. I told him that the punishment is over once the phone alarms. Okay...so far he still understands. At the back of my mind I'm praying that this would be effective so that once and for all, I could discipline him. Yes, I'm getting tired of trying to excuse him for being too young to be disciplined. 

In all fairness to him, he obeyed. Although, I knew he was testing me (let's see how serious mom is) by trying to sit or move out of the corner. But the mama power is more powerful than his cute crying self. I was staring at him with mad eyes, really mad eyes just to let him know that 'Hey, this is serious and I'm not playing around!' 

The alarm saved him. I was silently jumping with joy because it was a successful, healthy way of punishing. 

Hopefully, it made sense to him. More importantly, i hope he remembers what happened tomorrow and the coming days. May the words STAND IN THE CORNER be the cue to his unwanted, longest and most crucial 4 minutes (or more, depending on how bad the situation is) of his toddler life. 

Scary mom wanna be on certain situations,

B. 

When I got pregnant with my second child, my firstborn was just 9 months old. The first thing I asked myself was, "Kaya ko ba?" Just thinking about going through pregnancy, labor and delivery the second time around made me nervous. Of course, the bigger dilemma was, "Will my sanity be able to handle two kids with different needs?" I prayed and held on to my faith that God puts you in a situation because He knows that you can surpass it. 

So, here are some things that I learned on my journey to raising two kids in close age gap. 

When my baby bump started to show, I didn't know if my 1-year old noticed or was curious about it. I told him that his baby brother was inside and I constantly asked him to kiss and pet my tummy. Soon, when I asked where his baby brother was, he happily points at my bump.  

As I carried Yuri with me on his first night at home, I saw that Caleb was curious and as if full of questions he couldn't say. The initial thing we told him was, "This is your baby brother. Give him a kiss." As expected, he refused. The next day, I tried again and he obeyed. From then on, kissing Yuri was like a form of play to him. I think that the way parents introduce their kids for the first time is really important. Kissing (affection) as their first activity together programs Caleb's mind that his younger brother is someone dear and close at heart. 

Since Caleb is only 1 year old, my fear was that he might not understand me yet. I was wrong. Our Kuya comprehends really well. I can ask him to swing the duyan, shake the bottle of milk, hand me a diaper (or anything else he could carry), and even delay our playtime until his sibling falls asleep. Being involved gives him a sense of responsibility towards his brother, and that is what we want him to remember. 

This is the most important part for me. You have to be able to form a schedule that will benefit both of them, making sure that they have enough time for play and sleep. Caleb gets tired and is ready for bed after 5 long hours of play. Yuri, on the other hand, still doesn't have a pattern to follow. He is mostly awake in the morning (naps for about 30 minutes or less) and asleep at 6pm onwards (yey! More things to do for me). I managed to make a routine that allows me to rest as early as 8pm, right on time for dinner and teleseryes. Hehe. Having a schedule will give not only my children but also us parents, a stress-free day. Remember, it's not a privilege to run around the house like a zombie at 10pm because your child refuses to sleep! Also, make sure to get plenty of 'me' time on your sched, right when the babies are at their dreamland. 

"May I have a relaxed day ahead. Please shower me with patience and understanding." This is my prayer before I start my day. A baby plus a toddler can really be mind-blowing at times. It's a test of how much you can control yourself. I believe that the way I carry myself from the moment I wake up will affect my children's mood throughout the day. I don't want to be the monster mom my children have to deal with just because I didn't have a good night's sleep or because I was too mad at petty things. Your inner self has to be better than the rage of emotions that you will have. It's all about setting my mind that "Today is a good day. I won't lose my temper even if situations ask me to."

It's natural for parents to be overly protective even if it's the other child who may cause harm. "Huwag ka nga diyan, tatamaan mo kapatid mo!"; "Go to the room and play with your toys." are just examples of the daily dialogue of parents. As much as possible parents don't want the older child to be near the delicate baby. While parents mean no harm, it might have a different effect on the older sibling. I allow Caleb to touch Yuri all the time, of course, under my supervision. I only stop him when I know that despite his intentions to be playful, it might also be dangerous for Yuri (putting his toes on Yuri's nose for him to smell, pokes Yuri's eyes, nose and ears out of curiosity, jumps non-stop right where Yuri is peacefully laid down). The freedom to have close contact with the baby gives Caleb the  concept of having a place in his brother's life. That way, he won't feel outcasted now that Mom and Dad are too focused on the new addition to the family. 

Here are some of the guidelines I managed to form that helps me get through the everyday hustle of having a baby and a toddler. The rest are yet to be discovered! 

I think Caleb is aware that his father is around too because he refused to follow our daily routine. He's excited that he was up from 7:30 AM to 2:30 PM. He usually takes his afternoon naps at around 12 NN, but now that Vincent is around, I think he wanted to spend time with him. 

I could see in his eyes that he's starting to get tired and sleepy but still opted to play. I had to carry him and make him sleep or else he'd end up taking a nap at around 5 PM and would wake up at 8 PM, which usually is his bedtime. 

I believe that setting a routine for your baby is helpful because you get to plan your day. I'm a control freak and I always want to have a set plan for the day. Just by seeing that Caleb and I are able to follow our daily routine makes me comfortable (at least I get to know the times when I can relax and have some time for myself). 

Although that routine changes as he grows up, it still is a good idea to set one. I find it a healthy tool to make sure that my baby gets a balanced sleep and play activities everyday. 

I remember having a grown-up conversation with my friends while we were literally behind the flowing water of a beautiful falls in Oslob, Cebu where each of us were supposed to answer the question "How would you rate your life today?" I confidently answered 9 out of 10. Actually, I could give 10 but I know that it's always best to give room for improvement. It might sound exaggerated but that's how I feel at the moment. 

When I have bad days, like days when I sometimes get fed up with motherly duties, I never fail to see how blessed I am for the life that I have today. And I just can't stop thanking God for granting me my long-time prayer - to have a family with the love of my life. 

And before I let the stress out of my system in a negative way, I stop, breathe and remember over and over how beautiful my life is. Then in an instant all the negativity disappears.

Prayer:

I cannot thank you enough for blessing me with a beautiful family. May we be a good example to others, especially to families that are troubled. Amen.

Caleb and I have established our day-to-day activities and this is our most recent routine:

7 AM - Have breakfast with Daddy before he goes to work.

730 AM - Plays around the house (this is the dirty part).

8 AM - Takes a bath.

830 AM - Plays in the play pen (clean area).

12 NN - Lunch (if he isn't sleeping yet).

1230 PM - Takes a nap

230 or 3 PM - Wakes up 

3PM - Plays in the play pen.

530 or 6 PM - Have dinner. He's very tired at this time from playing.

630 PM - Takes a bath.

7 PM - Sleeps until 6 in the morning the next day. 

So, majority of the day he's awake and active. And this is the stage where he doesn't want to be left alone that's why there isn't much that I am able to accomplish for myself. I get lucky sometimes if I'll be able to take a quick shower in the morning. If not, everything for myself is done when he's fully asleep - night time.

It takes a lot of patience when you look after your baby especially if you are the type (this is me) who wants things to be accomplished at once rather than putting them aside for later. 

Despite all these, I enjoy looking at Caleb play - throw, bang, lick, eat things; practice crawling, sitting, standing and walking; cry from time to time because he gets bored; calls your attention to play with him; drinks milk to recharge and then he's back ok his feet. 

This is how he looks like while having a good day in his play pen. 

My baby is now 7 months, and five months has passed since I last written my thoughts here. Finding a balance between my personal life and my baby's needs is quite a challenge for me. He's become very clingy and now knows how to throw tantrums. As a new mom, I am torn between the battle of an-always-present-mom vs. hoping-not-to-raise-a-brat-child situation. 

My boys are sleeping as I write now, and midnight has been my alone/personal time recently. They say that when your baby is asleep, sleep with them. But nothing in that saying is true because there are tons of things that you can accomplish once the baby is in his dreamland. By tons I meant cleaning the bottles, fixing the bed, washing clothes, picking up toys, taking a shower, preparing food, and all sorts of mommy duties you can think of. That's why when midnight comes, it's either I rest together with my boys or take advantage of the time for myself. 

It's tough being a mom. You are not just taking care of yourself. In fact, you take care of your baby more than yourself. It's like playing Tamagotchi but is way more difficult than pressing buttons and waiting for it to beep again. I have respected my mom ever since and am now respecting her and all other moms for doing a job well done for raising a child.

Despite all the tiring mum duties, the endless bottle cleaning, losing your voice for making weird noises and faces, trying to keep edible-looking stuff clean and safe, putting him to bed for and hour and cradling him again after 15 minutes and putting him back again to bed, preparing his food, keeping his diaper and milk close at hand, and just trying to keep everything in order, I am still very very very very much grateful to have been a mom. I will always look at this as a blessing and not a heavy load. :)

This is the reason why at the end of the day I feel both exhausted and happy. Cheers to all the mums out there! 

Happy mom, 

B.

They say that having a baby is a pile of adjustments. Yet again, this is true. Vincent and I have a different set-up compared to usual couples who've had their first child. We aren't married yet, so, there's a lot of adaptation to do from both parties. 

Things to adapt with:

1. Take care of the baby. This includes: having sleepless nights; knowing your kid's needs; buying more baby stuff you didn't know that exist; proper cradling, bathing and feeding.

2. Knowing what's right for your little one. Here and there you'll hear things like "dapat ganito", "dapat ganyan" from people who try to help you with parenting. It can be a little confusing sometimes since some advice are contradicting. Always remember that you are the mother and you know what's best for your cutie. 

3. The pressure of breastfeeding. A mom's milk is very important. But what would you do if you've tried real hard to breastfeed but there isn't any milk coming out? Be ready for the people who will push you to do it. My milk came out four days after giving birth. 

3. Take care of yourself. I didn't want to look losyang after giving birth so I try to look good as long as I can. But, when you have a baby, a quick shower and a quick dump of poo is already a pleasure. Meaning, 80% of your time is mostly spent for your baby. The luxury of combing my hair happens only after I've taken a bath. 

4. Take care of your partner. I have two roles now - a mother and a wife. Technically speaking, I am not a wife yet, but that is not an excuse for playing my role. As much as possible, I want to provide the things that comforts my fiance. From simply serving him during meal time to physically and emotionally being there whenever he has a story or a rant to tell. 

5. Adjust with two homes. Since we don't have our own place yet, we decided to live with both our families. How? On weekdays we stay at my place and on weekends we stay at his. These are two families that we need to adjust with. Complying with house rules, showing respect, keeping our area clean and keeping ourselves from interfering with their daily routines is a must. I find this a good opportunity to know and bond with the in-laws. :)

6. Entertaining visitors. Everyone's excited about your baby. Friends, relatives and even distant people would like to see your first born. It may be a little challenging to prepare and entertain your visitors while trying to answer the needs of your baby. Don't get me wrong, we love having visitors and it's good to see that your newborn already feels loved and welcomed. :) 

Having all of these really make the first month a real challenge. Don't worry, you'll learn to adapt and eventually the cry of your baby will become a  pleasure to your ears. :)

Adjusted mom,

B.

December 17, 2013

Okay, so this was the day I thought was the end of my life. It's true - labor is really painful!

The doctor advised me to go straight to the hospital if any of the three signs arise: bleeding, a sudden gush of water and consistent contractions. It was 6 am on a Tuesday when I got up from bed and went to the toilet to pee. I was still a little sleepy when I saw blood in the bowl. I did not panic because I've waited for that day to happen. I was really feeling uncomfortable days before giving birth and I just want my baby to come out.

My mom and sister were panicking while they contact Vincent and the doctor. I, for the record, decided to take a bath. Haha! I realized I didn't have any idea on what's going to happen next, or how long labor will be, or whether I'll be giving birth on that day or not, so I better be hygienically prepared for whatever it is to come. Plus, having a bath makes me comfortable. :)

I went into labor for 12 hours. I was only 1cm when I got there and my contractions were just starting to be in consistent intervals. I did not feel anything at all. I don't know the feeling of contractions so I just relied on the machine that monitors it. While waiting for the big event, a woman came in crying of pain. I was watching her as her doctor examines her and teaches her how to push. Thirty minutes after, I heard her baby cry! She's one lucky girl.

I felt really hungry while waiting (didn't have breakfast and it was lunch time already!) so I begged the nurses to allow me to eat. Water wasn't even allowed so I was really feeling restless. I said to myself, how will I push my baby if I didn't have energy to do so, right? :)

I slowly felt the contractions as I progress from 1cm to 3cms. It was already painful for me whose pain tolerance was too low. The doctor then gave me a sedative (I caught my baby giggling while he sleeps as I write this). At around 5pm I was regularly woken up by my contractions, it was that painful that even my sedative lost its effect. I overheard the nurses talk to the doctor over the phone that I was only 5cms at that time and that I was in agony. Here's the scenario: I wake up feeling like I need to go to the toilet and have a big poo, my body voluntarily curls up to lessen the pain then I semi-consciously catch myself saying, "Ang sakit!" This happened several times.

I then found myself being transferred to the delivery room. I saw many medical staff look at me as I cry. I will never forget the feeling of extreme contractions! 

Luckily, I made the best decision ever - to deliver unconsciously. Thank God our body was made to do its own job even if you are sedated. I didn't care much of knowing the feeling of pushing and hearing your baby cry, although I know it would have been a different story, but I just don't think I'll be able to endure the pain. 

So the magic sedative was injected and I dozed off and didn't feel anything. Half of me was thinking I'll just wait for God to pick my soul up, and the other was waiting for reality to come to life again. 

At around past 11pm, I was awaken by a loud voice saying, "Ma'am Jessica, tapos na po, gising na." And then first thing I felt was a pain in my ass. I knew I was stitched. Before I left the recovery room, there he was, my little angel, was brought to me by the nurse. He was so cute, has a white complexion and was so tiny. My thoughts were: I can't believe he came from me. I can't believe I made it through that excruciating pain. I can't believe I'm still alive...and that...I AM A SUPER WOMAN! 

Me trying to breastfeed for the first time.

To the future moms out there, I'm warning you to gather a lot of courage, patience, strength, and good health. You will need all of these not only on your delivery day but also for the days to come after. 

Mom for two months now, 

B.

*Super late post*

November 23, 2013

A surprise baby shower was prepared for me by my friends and family on the 8th month of my pregnancy. Oh how I felt so loved during that day! It was a simple shower comprised of my family, Vincent's family and my barkada. Everything was prepared just as how I pictured it to be. I am greatly thankful for all the people involved for making this event happen. Caleb already felt welcomed to the outside world! :)

Happy mommy, 

B.